Apparently in America they are soon having a competition and the winner is the man who most people vote for.

It’s called an erection and two men, one called Bush and the other called Kerry have the two best erections in the country. But they cannot be separated in length or girth, so it’s up to the public.

They have spent a while live on TV where they have let everything out and exposed themselves to the whole country, now they are travelling round from state to state letting everyone see, prod and pull their erections in a bid to see who has the best.

Mr Bush is hoping the people vote for his erection as he likes to take his erection into other countries and have a biggest erection competition with their leaders.

In Britain, our very own big dick Tony Blair likes to join in with Bush and show off their massiveness together.

Return in a few days time and I’ll give you the result, it won’t be easy to find out though, so please have patience.

This was bird with no name a few weeks ago; he had four brothers and sisters and was born in the wife's aviary. He is a budgie.

Our eldest daughter Sarah blessed us with three Grandchildren and there is another one on the way. However, I’m worried that our youngest daughter Emma might not do the same after this display tonight.

Shedheads is a great TV programme if you like sheds, I watched it earlier and here is the proof. I like sheds.

Tell you what, if you say you have come across the word sardoodledom today in your everyday life then you talk more bollocks than I do.

sardoodledom

There are some thick bastards in Britain, which will be seen soon when there are figures released for some of the ways people have been injured and/or ended up in hospital throughout the year.

Some you would not believe, here is a few from the end of last year, along with my thoughts:

2,000 people, most of them children, were admitted to hospital after falling out of trees.

Well that’s fair enough, kids clime trees, always have done.

Another 3,000 people were admitted after coming into contact with a non-powered hand tool.

Well they should complain to Ann Summers

Powered lawnmowers landed 369 in hospital.

That makes the case for slabbing the lawn bigger.

2,718 needed medical treatment after striking against or being struck by sports equipment.

I’ll bet they were the fans who sit behind the goals at Wolves.

222 people needed treatment after being bitten by a rat.

That’s easily remedied, move out of London

35 people required medical attention after being bitten or set upon by a crocodile or alligator, venomous snakes and lizards.

Mother in Laws eh?

Another 190 people were hospitalised after coming into contact with plant thorns and spines and sharp leaves.

Sharp fucking leaves?

Four people needed treatment after accidental suffocation and strangulation while in bed.

The mind boggles

Following on from the chap who was flogging the pen that his ex-Mrs had given him the other week, here’s another classic that has ben put on Ebay after Referee Mike Riley handed Man Utd victory on a plate when they played Arsenal last week.

I like it.

You are bidding on a Mike Riley referee. He is available at this low low price after extensive use by his previous owner (one Mr A Ferguson, Old Trafford, Manchester) who has unfortunately left him in a rather worn condition. This may lead to Mr Riley missing professional fouls and potential leg breaking tackles but never fear! Simply put on your Manchester United shirt and he will blow his whistle whenever you fall over, no matter how comical the dive may be!

I have received the following glowing reports on the Mike Riley referee:

Wayne from Liverpool said:
"It didn't take me long to work out how to use Mr Riley, when you're wearing a Manchester United shirt it's as easy as ABC. For best results I’ve found that if you make your dive as dramatic as possible Mr Riley's "penalty to United" function never fails, I'd never consider going back to my old brand of referee...not now I’ve used Mr Riley"

Ruud from Holland said:
"I've been using Mr Riley for years. He's every strikers dream partner. Thanks to him I manage to stay near the top of the scoring charts. He's just so easy to use. All you have to do is fall over in the box and he'll automatically point to the spot. I recommend him to anyone. The stats speak for themselves: 8 games, 8 pens"

Unfortunately I can not guarantee Mr Riley's competence due to the amount of wear and tear incurred at Old Trafford.

I hate being sensible, but on this occasion I think the words of Birmingham’s finest sums up this whole fucking mess.

Generals gathered in their masses
just like witches at black masses
evil minds that plot destruction
sorcerers of death's construction
in the fields the bodies burning
as the war machine keeps turning
death and hatred to mankind
poisoning their brainwashed minds, oh lord yeah!

Politicians hide themselves away
they only started the war
Why should they go out to fight?
They leave that role to the poor

Time will tell on their power minds
Making war just for fun
Treating people just like pawns in chess
Wait 'till their judgement day comes, yeah!

Yesterday I went the whole day without shooting or kicking the shit out of anyone.

It’s not hard, if more people tried it we’d all be a lot better off.