Now this had me pissing myself earlier......

Whilst most supporters know about the hooligan violence that blighted football in the 70's and 80's, few people will be aware of the clashes that took place between rival children's TV gangs.

This week sees the publication of Congratulations…you've just met the RJF, the long awaited biography from children's TV favourites, Rod, Jane and Freddy.

This explosive book brings readers face to face with the relentless violence of 80's kiddies TV.

Sports Offensive reprints these exclusive extracts.

Beginnings

Rod: In 1979 there were a lot of really useful firms operating out of ITV and "The Rainbow Boys" were one of the best in the business. The problem was, because we were new, we were always on the outside looking in. It was time to make a bit of a noise and show them we could handle ourselves.

Freddy: We decided we were going to take Play School in their home pub, Chatters wine bar in Hampstead. On the face of it, it was a fucking ridiculous thing to do. They were pretty handy and had a big reputation, but that didn't mean nothing to us. We were ready to make our mark and didn't care how we did it.

Jane: We got there early and just kept a low profile. Pretty soon the whole place was filling up. There were quite a few faces in there: Fred Harris, Derek Griffiths, Big Ted. I can't say it bothered me. All I was thinking was, "You're going to get it, you numpties!"

Rod: I think it was Johnny Ball who clocked us. I can remember him saying something like "I can think of a number: the three wankers stood over there" and it all kicked off. Even though they hit us with everything they had, we took it. All I can remember is Freddy screaming, "Hold the line, just hold the fucking line" and we did.

Jane: I didn't think they could believe that three of us had taken about forty of them at their place. They just melted away, flicking the V's at us and looking like a total set of pussies. I saw Hamble with blood pissing from an open head wound. To be honest I was too wound up to care.

Rod: We walked away from there with our heads held high. The Rainbow Boys would have to take notice now. Rod, Jane and Freddy had well and truly arrived.

The Battle of Blue Peter

Rod: There's been a whole heap of bullshit spoken about who vandalised the Blue Peter Garden. The truth is that place got torn up in one of the maddest, bloodiest children's television rucks I can ever remember.

Jane: Blue Peter were always giving it some about how they were the best in the business. We were happy to let them think that. Our feeling was they'd got sloppy and hadn't fought anyone decent for about five years. Their shows always went out live, so the plan was to wait until the end of the live broadcast and pile in. The trouble was it didn't work out like that.

Freddy: We'd gone over the wall and started heading towards them. It was Simon Groom and Janet Ellis and we could tell we'd taken them by surprise. Rod wades in and bang, bang, bang they both go down like a sack of shit. It was all a bit too easy and we couldn't work out why the camera crew were holding back. Then we realised, they'd been having some sort of past presenter's reunion. They all came pouring out of the studios: Noakes, Purves, Singleton; all ready to kick seven shades of shit out of us.

Jane: As far as we were concerned there was only one thing to do. Stand our ground. Other firms would have run but we just thought, feck it, this far and no further. It wasn't easy mind. They were tooled up with bottle tops from a bring and buy sale. Peter Duncan was just wading into us with a bicycle chain shouting, "Take that you twats!" I honestly didn't think we'd last much longer.

Rod: Then we heard it. The best sound in the world; "Up above the streets and houses, Rainbow climbing high!" It was The Rainbow Boys battle cry…the cavalry was coming. Zippy dropped the nut on Biddy Baxter and suddenly things were a bit more even. I swear on my mothers grave if security hadn't stepped in we'd have murdered the bastards.

Freddy: The garden was totally fecked. They covered it up and said it was the work of vandals. No it wasn't, it was the scene of our finest hour.

Congratulations…You've Just Met The RJF is published by Hodder and Staunton and retails at £7.99

sportsoffensive.com

I read in the local news that Wetley Rocks, next village to ours, has had a crime wave.

No less than two garden sheds have been broken into and a strimmer plus a lawnmower have been taken. Damage to one shed came to £18, while the taken strimmer was valued at around £30. The other shed owner had no damage done to his shed, but the mower was valued at £45.

What is the world coming to when you can’t leave your shed alone through fear of crime on this scale? I’m taking no chances; I’m toying with the idea of having a state of the art alarm fitted to my shed at a cost of £750. That should make sure that my leaf blower is safe.

I also might start a vigilante group just in case these desperados strike in our village next. All we want is to be able to sleep in our beds safe at night without fear of who is rummaging through our sheds.

I wonder if they have trouble like this in places like London and Birmingham.

Put Sky Sports on today at 4:30 for Aerobics Oz Style, well you know how I like to look after myself. But Shock Horror! There was tennis on instead.

Now tennis is okayish if women are playing, that’s just about watchable, but male tennis is gay.

So that ruined what could have been a good chicken choking session.

Talking about sport, there is a rounders team who wear red socks who have just won quite an important game across the water.

Now it’s hard enough trying to understand why blokes would want to play a girls game, but it baffles the feck out of me why they have to wear red socks to so it.

Wonder if they like tennis?

Guess what?

*Come a bit closer*

*bit more, I want to whisper*

That’s better, listen; there is somebody else out there on this interweb thingy with one of these blogs!

It’s true, I’m not lying I’ve seen it.

It’s been put together by a rather nice lady called Sandy in Germany and she has even linked to this site and thinks it’s pretty funny so at least  when they come and put me in a straight jacket and cart me off to the padded cell I’ll have a bit of company.

Sandy comes from America. I looked that up today and its friggin miles away, I reckon you’d have to pack sandwiches and a flask of tea for the journey if you was ever to go there.

Sandy was in the US Air Force so she can probably drive a plane or one of those Jet things like they used in the film Top Gun, so I’ve been told. I’ve never seen the film myself as I don’t like heights. You can see Sandy climbing into a plane HERE

What else is there to tell you? Ah yes, she likes the film Fight Club so that can’t be bad and she writes things entitled “Soap me up baby.”

You can find all this and more on The Dirty Ashtray, it’s well worth a read.

Money grabbing twat Bernie Ecclestone has admitted that it now look as though the British Grand Prix will not happen in 2005, following the break down of communications between the relevant parties.

“We have to admit defeat and end the discussions. We have been unable to reach agreement on the length of the commitment or the financial terms. It looks certain there will not be a British GP in 2005”.

In a nutshell, Ecclestone wanted the British Racing Drivers' club (BRDC), owner of Silverstone, to accept a one-year deal with an option on a further six years, while the BRDC wanted a two-year deal with five-year extension.

“What more can anyone do”? he said. “The BRDC want everything their way. Business life is not like that”.

If this is the end of the British Grand Prix, it brings to an end a war of words that has raged for many years, most of the verbal abuse coming from the F1 supremo who has continually lambasted the Northamptonshire circuit and its owners of being stuck in a 'time warp'.

Now while the occupants of Northampton are usually web-toed and look like they live in the seventies, there is fuck all wrong with Silverstone, except for where it is located of course.

At the end of the day it boils down to him lining his fucking pockets

 The youngest Emma had been suffering last week with tonsillitis so the quack gave here a course of antibiotics to take. After they had gone it looked to be cleared up and she got the go ahead to go back to school.

 By lunchtime she rang us saying that her throat was hurting once again, Diana took her back to the quacks and they gave her more pills and that was it.

She complained about headache, shivers, a fever and how she didn’t like the light late on at night so we rang for a quack who had First Response round within 5 minutes, they looked quite worried and 10 minutes later and Emma and Diana were in an ambulance heading for the North Staffs Royal Infirmary. I was shitting bricks!

I had a phone call at 2am to say they had not been seen yet after a couple of hours and at 3:30 another call to say that see had been seen and it was not Meningitis. She was home by 4:15am, the relief was unbelievable!

Not a pleasant night at all.

.......emailed me this bit of advice today.

I’m fucked if I know why.

If you have no food and no money, just walk around looking for apple trees and take an apple.

If there are no apple trees, find a monkey and take his banana.

I was lucky today. I was sat on the bog reading the paper and minding my own business. All of a sudden I felt this sudden urge to have a crap, it was too late to take any further action and out it came.

Thank the Lord I was sat on the toilet with my trousers down. If it had arrived 10 minutes earlier I’d have been sat on the settee. Could you imagine the mess that would have made?

You know when you buy something for your computer and it doesn’t work when you get it home? If you’ve been to PC World you’ll know what I mean. But just say for a minute your mouse was knackered and you purchased (or nicked if you live in Yorkshire) another one and that didn’t work ether.

Would you have two mice that are completely shagged or two mouses?

WHOOPS!

This is a fucking good Webvid