"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your marks…."
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face".

Talking to a mate on the phone the other night, he’s into trail biking and has been learning new jumps and tricks, he can make a bike jump miles into the air. He’s very good as it happens.

So I asked him to send me some photos of a couple of the stunts for my blog.

He must have misheard me!

The youngest Emma has been at it again. This time her work for the Trading Standards in the area has seen her exposing the scams on mobile ring-tone websites to youngsters so they don’t get caught out with massive bills for ring tones they have not ordered.

She has been doing some sound stuff since joining this group including exposing shops that sell alcohol and cigarettes to minors, plus loads of other stuff.

This week she has been interviewed by the Daily Mail and Beacon Radio. She’s going to be famous one day, mark my words.

It was our kid’s birthday today; my little brother finally reached the big 4-0.

It won’t make him any less of a prat, now he’ll just be an old prat. So he came up our house under some false pretence to see what we had bought him for this auspicious occasion.

That’s just the thing though, what do you get your younger brother for his birthday? No point taking him to the pub, last time we did that we ended up taking the whole place on in a fight, I’m getting to old for that now.

No point buying him ladies underwear, it would only increase the likelihood of his Mrs finding out that he wears it. No point buying him computer stuff, he gets that by telling people he fixes them for that the part or accessory he needs wants replacing in theirs.

So what the hell do you get for somebody who has little interest in anything but computers and pork pies? HOLD ON!

A quick trip to Tesco for three family size pork pies, dump them in a slipper box and viola! A pork pie selection box.

Needless to say the twat loved it and ate them the very same day. Happy Birthday Knobface!

If you ever find yourself unable to sleep during the week, you can do far worse than tune into this mad fucker on Talk Sport Radio between the hours of 1am and 6am.

Well worth a listen too and thinks nothing of telling listeners that they are morons when they deserve it, especially if you ring or email to tell him you don’t like him using the term ‘batty boy’.

Bollocks is another of his favourite words to use on air; he has read out a few of my emails now and never censored anything I’ve written.

And on top of everything else, he is a fat bastard, which makes him great in my book. Have a listen, its well worth the effort.

Received a lovely email from somebody called Greg Stevenson the other day who made a few comments about my blog and gave me a few tips on how I could improve it. First of all Mr Stevenson suggested that I should stop being so ignorant, he also pointed out that homophobia is a bad trait to have. He also lead me too believe that foul and abusive language is not the sort of thing people should be placing on the internet, even people “of my ilk”

Mr Stevenson also pointed out more things in the email which bored me to the back teeth by the time I got halfway through reading his claptrap.

I also have a suggestion that I would like to make to Mr Stevenson and that would be for him to bugger himself right off and go and do something he might find exciting like have a wank.

I feel he may be very good at that

Tinned soup plays an important part in my life, not only because I like to eat it for lunch but because we buy quite a bit of it from the supermarket, which again is probably due to me liking to eat it for lunch.

So I decided to compile my top ten canned soups in reverse order.

10 – Asparagus

9 - Minestrone

8 – Beef and Tomato

7 – Chicken

6 – Tomato

5 – Oxtail

4 – Vegetable

3 – Leek and Potato

2 – Pea and Ham

1 – Lentil and Bacon

So there you go, Lentil and Bacon comes in at number one in my book. Many would say it was a controversial choice and we could spend many hours debating the flavours and manufacturers.